My Second Grade Horror
As previously stated, Mrs. Elliot-Weaver was a total bitch. In 2nd grade she had us reading "Alice and Wonderland" and no, not the Disney version or some watered down "based off the movie" version. I'm talking the for real Lewis Carroll version.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
It was mind boggling to think that 2nd graders would understand the subtle nuances of this book. And math? Don't get me started with math. We were doing ALGEBRA in second grade. She handed us a whole sheet of stuff that was like 5 + a = 7. In my head I was like:
"If "a" is the first letter of the alphabet, then "a" must equal one...but holy hell, five plus one is NOT seven!"
My feeble mind could not grasp the concepts this woman was trying to impress upon me. Well anyways, all I really remember is having a terrible time in this class. I hated going to school, it made me feel dumb and we didn't really share notes in 2nd grade, so I was not aware if anyone else was having as tough a time.
So in particular, I remember one evening reading a book about cowboys and the wild west. I believe we had to read four chapters that night, and answer some questions about those questions. The question was "How much was a red Indian penny worth?" I read the reading, and didn't know the answer. I read it again...and STILL did not know the answer. I took it to my mom, who skimmed it and could not find the answer, so she read the whole thing and FINALLY found out that a red indian penny is worth 5 cents.
I remember her saying something like "Out of 60 pages...shes asking you to remember this ONE SENTENCE!? It's not even a plot point, they just 1/2 mention it as he's buying something. This is NOT reading comprehension, this is torture!"
Now I didn't know it at the time, but years later my mom let it slip that she went in there and read this lady the riot act about her teaching methods. Which is awesome and totally doable because my mom is a teacher, so she had like 12 legs to stand on when she was doing this.
Let's just say for some reason the second semester of 2nd grade was WAY better, and I learned that just cause a person is in charge, doesn't mean they always do things the right way. Which is a lesson I use to this very day.
Perhaps this is why I like bars?
One time back in what must have been 2nd grade, I got sick. I raised my hand and told the teacher what was going on, and she sent me down to the main office. They called my parents to come get me.
Monday, November 29, 2010
I remember waiting for what seemed like forever. So long, in fact, that I started to feel a little better. Well, finally my Dad shows up. I assume on the other end of this story there is alot of frantic phone calls between my parents, like who's gonna have take off work and all that jazz.
Well anyways, my Dad finally comes in and sees me sitting there, feels my forehead, and gives me a funny look. He went into the office to sign me out. We get into his car and he looks over at me and he says:
"So you are not really that sick are you?"
"I'm feeling aw-right" I said in my cute 2nd grader voice.
"Ok, well then lets go have lunch"
And we proceeded to go meet up with his friends for lunch at what is now Legends Bar. I remember playing this firefighter pinball game forever and eating a burger. Dad got to have his lunch, which I realize now he had probably been planning for along time, and I totally ruined it with getting sick. Luckily, it wasn't a total loss and he managed to salvage it. After that we went home. He didn't make me go back to school, even though I was fine.
That's pretty much all I remember.
Now Mom may get mad and be like "WTF STASZ!" ('cause my mom speaks in internet acronyms), but she should realize that while my Dad's actions may LOOK selfish in nature, he actually created a fond memory for me. Plus it was all macho and manly and bonding too. I got to hang out with the DUDES, you know? And play pinball?! Man, what an afternoon :)
Also, last I checked....me and multiplication tables are doing fine, so missing that one day of school was not really terrible.
For those of you questioning multiplication tables in 2nd grade, you never met my teacher. Mrs. Elliot-Weaver. She was such a terrible teacher my mom had to go in there and read her the riot act, which after this nice post about my dad...SHOULDN'T I tell you a nice memory about my Mom? Yes, and we will see you tomorrow ;)
Hey, What are you doing online checking this shit? Go give thanks and spend some time with your family.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Depending on when you read this I may have already done the turkey trot. I may currently be eating tons of awesome food at my parents afternoon party, or I could already be over at Kendle's parents eating a feast she prepared.
You should probably get OFFLINE and spend some time with your fam. They love you after all, more than I do. That's for damn sure.
Here's a turkey.
Music, my unborn kids, and me
So I'm running around YouTube the other day, listening to a whole smattering of different types of music.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
It was while I was listening to a cover of Cannon on the piano, that someone had commented about how growing up their parents listened to Metallica and AC/DC and how they ended up liking this stuff.
I have to assume that a LITTLE of that is from being a little rebellious to your parents tastes. Which got me thinking...how the fuck are my kids gonna rebel against what I listen to?
I'll be the first to admit, I don't even really like music. It's not on in the background when I do mindless tasks, I don't rush out for the newest DMB album (are they still making them?), and I really can't tell you the last time I saw a music video (THANKS MTV! Did you forget what the M stands for?).
When I do listen to music, it's all over the place. I'll listen to NIN, Metallica, DMX, Tupac, Jay-Z, DMB, Counting Crows, Ashley Tisdale, Miley Cyrus...and yes, I even don't mind Justin Bieber. Then I'll also listen to Classical music, old rock, new rock. I really just listen to it all. Here's a cool one:
So here's how I see it going down. Me and my kids are gonna have a blast doing shit together. I'll be the first one to jump in the middle of a dance party in my basement, or take them to whatever concert they want to go to or let them play whatever music they want really loud...until they hit that magic age where I'm no longer the coolest thing on the planet.
Then they will rebel, but have nowhere to turn to. They can't go goth, or industrial...
Oh wait, you know what, this whole post is invalid. Nickelback. My kids will rebel and listen to Nickelback. I can't stand those asshats.
Fuck you future Hunka's, and turn that shit down!
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
I was just approved for this holiday vacation:
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Gotta love having 30 vacation days that you gotta use or loose :)
I bought a new fridge. The old one just wasn't getting stuff cold anymore. Everyone was all "Ben, did you try to clean the coils?"
Monday, November 22, 2010
Yes...yes I did. It was after that when it stopped getting cold. ALSO the ice-maker went out. But the thing was 15 years old, so it was time I think.
So then comes the matter of a rebate. When I purchased this thing on 11/16/10 (pay attention to the date) I was told I could have either free delivery and haul away via a mail in rebate, OR 12 months no interest financing.
I'm a baller, so I just pay for that shit. No need to spread it out. So I go online to claim my rebate and the rebate is not there. I double check my form, and I find that the promotion STARTED and ENDED on the 14th....2 days before I even bought the thing!
Well I called and got it all straightened out. There was a different form I had to download and print out to mail in, but still....seems VERY shady of Sears to send me home with the wrong form. What if I had just filled it out and sent it in? I'm SURE they would not have honored it.
Score one for being observant I guess.
So, lesson learned...check your rebate forms before sending them in. They MIGHT be lying to you ;)
Friday is my "webcomic day." It's the one day when ALMOST every comic I read posts, so I get an extended amount of reading comics on Fridays.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Recently I decided that I needed a something to spruce up my office so I printed up a bunch of comics and put them on my board:
So that's what I get to see every day now. Oh there is also a note that says "Dop was here and you missed it!" as well as a little thing that tells me what each priority number means on my tickets. But those aren't really comics so much as useful information.
Comics featured in no particular order:
This makes me want to be blind
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Colin is married (well...and Kristin too!)
Colin and Kristin got married and I just stood there like a doof:
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I guess we can call them "The Taylor's" now, but that might get them all confused with Barb and John. Maybe we could call them "The Chicago Taylor's" or "The New Taylor's." Well whatever it is, they are now joined in holy matrimony.
Then later they put me in a room full of people, and handed me a mic and let me make a speech. It took EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING not to piss all over Jessica Horn, who happened to be in the audience, but you know...it was Colin's day so I just gave a damn fine speech.
I was a bit buzzed, so I really only remember bits of it. I started with something about how there was nothing more I could say to Colin, so this speech was for Kristin. Then it went on to say that she doesn't just get the (Original) Taylor's as her new family, but she gets all these other people too, basically everyone in the room is now part of their new family. And then that the shitty part about that is that she's got like...19 mother-in-laws. That part killed, everyone laughed at that. But I backed it up with "but I checked with them all, and they all think you are wonderful." It was a damn fine speech for not actually preparing for it.
Then we danced, and after partied, and finally got back to the hotel at 3am. It was a good day.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A quick one, just to get used to the new software. A simple animation changing just paths and colors.
Ben, in the style of...
So one time I took an art class and we all had to draw shit "in the style of" someone else. So you could draw like Picaso or Matt Groening it didn't matter who, just as long as you could see the attempt.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
So the other day, Dave sends around this picture of his Mug Club mug that he chemically engraved with his name.
It was pretty tits. Then my arch enemy said "Fuck names, I want a picture of a hobo on my glass!" I guess she's a hobo? Clearly her super villain ways have not made her any cash. She should get better at stealing jewels or atomic bombs or whatever it is super villains steal. So yeah, she's a hobo.
So then I say "Fuck Hobo's! I want Dave to draw ME in the style of altsad...and that's exactly what he did. (See how I brought it back around to the initial paragraph? Damn I'm good at this.)
So maybe sometime soon you will see me at the Blind Pig on mug night with my very own personalized mug of beer
An open letter to U of I Students
Dear U of I students,
Monday, November 08, 2010
In the past two months I have heard nothing but crime alerts from you getting your asses beat on a weekly basis.
PLEASE. Take the advice that was given to us SO MANY YEARS AGO by the old man in "The Legend of Zelda"
It's fucking dangerous out there, and it's getting more dangerous. I don't care if you are a guy or a girl or some weird sexless thing. Stop going out alone. Don't run to the store for a snack, or get some cash at the ATM without taking a buddy or five.
Now, notice I didn't say stop going out. Screw that. Go have a good time, just be a little bit smarter about it. I'm tired of hearing about you getting your asses handed to yourselves everyday, when a little common sense would go a long way in preventing it.
Possibly try and be a little more aware of whats going on around you too. Someone's been following you from the ATM? Try going into a restaurant and calling a friend. Hell snap a picture of him or her....they are on a public street, you are allowed to do that. Then you at least have something to give the police after you get your beat down.
I'm SHOCKED that the university police don't feel more shame with this. I have seen NO increased police action nor heard about any steps being taken to stem this crime wave. All I hear are more and more beatings happening, but no proposed solution OR any emails about "here's what we are doing."
I mean...maybe cause I'm not a student I don't get the newsletter saying "We are Campus Safety and we rock because we are now ___________" but still, it's getting out into at least the local news that you can't protect the campus. It's like these criminals are just spitting in the cops faces EVERY SINGLE TIME someone else gets beat up.
But at the end of the day, the police can't be EVERYWHERE, and it's going to be up to the students to do something. I don't know. Maybe we could get a free taxi going or something that will take you anywhere. Oh wait..the MTD already does that. It's called safe rides, and it's not just for people who are too drunk to drive. USE IT DUMMIES!
Something needs to happen that says "We're Champaign-Urbana, and we don't roll over"
Math is dumb
So I'm writing a blog post for work today, and I come across this statement:
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Math != Calculating, Math >> Calculating
Now I know I can replace ONE of those silly math symbols with an HTML element:
Math ≠ Calculating, Math >> Calculating
See what I did there? See how awesome I am at math and HTML?
But a double greater than sign? I've never seen such a thing! So I get my Perl/Unix command line/general badass of a friend up on IM and ask him what is the meaning of this double greater than sign, and if there is another symbol I can use to replace it.
It basically means "much greater than"
So like... 10 > 5, but 1000000 >> 5
Fuck you, math.
This statement is true: 10 > 5
This statement is ALSO true: 1000000 > 5
If we have > then why the hell do we need this? >>
We threw a party. Apparently it has become an annual party. People were asking months ago "are you guys gonna have your Halloween party?"
Monday, November 01, 2010
Well the answer was "YES" and a party we had. We dressed the whole place up like a prison. Kendle went as a police officer (slutty police officer...of course), and I went as a prisoner, complete with tear tat, so everyone knew I was tough and killed a guy on the inside. We put mug shots up of famous people, and even had a place for people to take their OWN mug shots. And then we had a shot called a mug shot, which tasted JUST like rootbeer, but was way more alcoholic.
We filled the sink with blood, and floated some eye balls in it, lit the place up with a black light, played spooky music, oh and this was my personal favorite...wrote REDRUM on the mirror in the bathroom:
And yeah, if you look really closely at that last picture, that's Paul Reubens (Pee-Wee Herman) mug shot right over the pisser. So that made for some uncomfortable peeing.
Well the whole 141 pictures can be seen on my picasa page (as always). There's alot of mug shots, and alot of pictures of people partying.