I figured out why things have gotten so easy
Friday, January 20, 2012
**Warning: Wall of text approaching. Divert to this image for something more mindless and colorful**
So in the past, let's just say I've perused a few questionable women in my day. Recently I've been dealing with a friend of mine's recent relationship problems, and it's made me reflect on my own current relationship, and why this one has worked out WAY better than others.
It all comes down to communication. In the past I've done my best to GUESS what the other person was thinking. It was never a question of "is she happy," cause how could she not be? She was hanging with a pretty cool dude, who always managed to be a big deal, wether it was knowing a ton of people to party with, or walking into a bar and having the entire staff know who you are and treat you like a big deal.
It was never an issue of "am I happy" either. I'm a pretty easy going guy, and I tend to be able to look past major flaws, like chain smoking, having no self-respect (to the point of needing to be disrespected), or not having any cash (they say the number one thing people fight about is money).
No, it was more of a "what should I be doing" kind of thing. That could be anything from trying to figure out how I should react around parents or friends, to what kind of dinner/movie would she like to go to. If you leave me alone, I'm gonna end up doing my own thing. That's the short and long of it. I'll go play video games for 4 hours one night, or talk to total strangers and tell them wicked funny stories that YOU may think are inappropriate, if you let me.
So I'm always looking for clues as to how to act. And in the past...these other people were very poor communicators, or maybe they just didn't care enough about "us" to bring up the problem.
Here, I'll give you an example.
So like I said, I was dealing with my friends relationship troubles the other day, and she said "He left the dishes out for two days and I ended up cleaning them, what should I do? I don't want to be bitchy and tell him to clean stuff up at his own apartment, but I dont like it."
I told her she had to get over that feeling and fast. My FIRST reaction was "well why don't you just tell him what's bugging you, and he will fix it." Her answer?
"Well can I just text him and tell him that?"
That's when it hit me, and I started to think about it. Communication is just so so so important to making any relationship work, be it just geting to know someone, long term dating, or even marriage. No you can't just text him. That's so passive agressive.
Do you want to be texting him for the rest of your life? "I think we shud git married @ my church, insted of urs" or "Hey hun, wut do U think bout trying 4 a baby?" These are not things you want to be doing later in life. You need to be able to talk to him, and if you can't then move on.
I can GUARANTEE this guy has no idea it's a problem, and would be happy to modify his behavior to make her more comfortable/keep her around. But because she can't say "I'd like it if the dishes were a higher priority," This becomes one thing that goes on the list of "why I should break up with him." Once that list is long enough, she will pull the trigger and end it.
So I looked at my current situation, and see...I don't have to worry about what I say to Kendle. She's not gonna cry or retreat inside herself and start to secretly hate me, and build a list of reasons to leave.
Oh no, she will just out loud hate me. Which is good. Very good. I know when I fuck up, and I know when I do the right thing, and I feel comfortable telling her things she does that I dont like, because I know its a back and forth kind of thing. It's not like she's ALWAYS correcting me, or I'm ALWAYS telling her what do to. We both have our areas of strength (like she tells me how to dress like an adult, and I tell her how to manage her cash), and we both know this, so we will defer to each other when questions come up in those areas of strength.
And that's why things have gotten so easy in recent years. It's not because Kendle and I "just work" it's because we both cared enough to make the effort to make it work. We are not without our fights, it's the way we handle those fights that keeps us together, and probably stronger for it.
Labels: breakup, Kendle, life lessons, pride, sappy, stupid girls, truth
