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Boobs and Goombas

Monday, April 30, 2012

So I searched and searched my blog for a previos post about "Fellowship of the Boobs," a burlesque show just down the street that I went to before with my pal Joe a few months ago. Apparently I didn't write about it.  How sad.

Gorilla Tango Theater is a small theater one El stop away that has nerd based burlesque shows.  Last time I went, it was a World of Warcraft/Dungeons and Dragons inspired show.

We had out of town guests over the weekend, and we were trying to come up with fun things to do.

Enter Boobs and Goombas.  I remembered that this place existed so we went down there to watch Mario, Luigi, and Bowser strip.

The premise was that Mario and Luigi had transformed into girls and were off to save the princess.  So Toad, a Cheep Cheep, and a couple of Boo's all had dances along the way.  The big finale was Mario and Luigi fighting Bowser.

So there were two big issues with this show.  First of all Mario and Luigi were decked out not as the young lady above, but rather in full overalls and long-sleeved shirts.  They also sported their token mustaches...even as ladies!

I'm watching Mario run around stage, making baudy jokes about schtupping Princess Peach, and I'm like "I'm pretty sure she's hot....yep...she's for sure hot."

So finally the last dance comes up, and Mario and Luigi start their seductive dance which includes removing the mustaches.  After waiting the whole hour and a half for this, her mustache finally comes off. Mario...I shit you not...ends up having a mouth that will not quit.


I'd say "Scariest Burlesque Dance Ever^TM" but then we'd not have anything to say about the second biggest issue.

So about 1/2 way through the show I got this sinking feeling that there was more than meets the eye to Princess Peach, if you catch my drift.  We had not seen her, we just kept hearing jokes and allusions that made me feel this.  So when she finally showed up on stage, the only thing that was running through my head was "OMG...she's a he!"  This tall amazonic woman stepped onto the stage.  She had big broad shoulders, and was dressed from head to toe in a full length dress...which hid everything.  I kept looking at her face, trying to discern if s/he was male or female.

As s/he slowly started to pull things off, my hands flew to my eyes, and I peeked out between my fingers.  It was like watching a scary movie.

Then s/he started laughing in a very deep voice.

"Shit, fuck, she's a dude, isn't she?" I whispered to Kendle. "I can't watch!"  The deep laughing goes on, the cloths come off...and then back on?  S/He starts to put a new costume on?  I was already confused enough...what was going on here?

Yep, the Princess was actually Bowser.

So she wasn't a he.  She was just a tall broad shouldered woman...but that was the Scariest Burlesque Dance Ever^TM.

But on a serious note, the show was pretty awesome, and I have to commend the ladies who came up with this idea to combine nerdy things with Burlesque.  There are two more shows, "Temple of the Boobs" and "Star Wars: A Nude Hope" which I have to imagine are every bit as enjoyable as the two I have already seen.

The only actual flaw to the whole thing is the price.  It's 20 bucks at the door, and after every dance they shine a spot light on a tip jar and it's a very small theater...so there is alot of social pressure to throw money into the tip jar, from the actors as well as the other people in the audience.

If this was 1923, and seeing a little ankle was considered naughty, I could justify the price, but this is 2012.  20 bucks plus a tip after every dance is a little steep in my book.

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Labels: breasts, Logan Square, video games

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Oh, hi there.  Didn't notice you there through my Hulk styled 3D glasses.

What's that?  Why am I hanging out with Thor?  Why, because I was at an advance screening of "The Avengers" last night.

It was a little bit of a pain, as they purposely over book the theater so you are not guaranteed to get in, but hey, for a free movie you are willing to jump through a few hoops.

This will be a spoiler free review, as Kendle told me I'm not allowed to give anything away till she has a chance to see it.

So, was it worth it?  I'd have to say yes.  I was slightly worried that that putting the heros from all those bad super hero movies would make for one big bad movie.  Not so.  Turns out, it was more like Iron man 3, mashed in with Thor 2, with a supporting cast of other heros.  The boring heros got just the right amount of screen time and there was plenty of Iron Man action, Marvels most developed character.

Surprisingly, the Hulk, hero of 3 previous flops was GREAT comic relief.  There were lots of moments in the movie that caused the audience to laugh out loud, but none more than the Hulk himself.  I'd even go so far as to say that the Hulk is the "Ludacris" of super hero movies.  He's the guy you want to guest on a few tracks of your album, but no one wants to hear a whole hour out of the guy.

And finally, the 3D.  Not worth it.  Yes it's an action film and there are lots of cool chase scenes and enemies zooming past and explosions coming out of the screen, but it's not worth it.  It was not done cheaply.  It was not done as an after thought, in fact it's done very well...it's just kinda played out at this point, and the extra price for the ticket would be better spent on some popcorn.

After the movie we went to the theaters bar.  If you thought soda was over priced, you ain't seen nothing till you've seen a six dollar 312.  The bright side of it all was that we got seated in this Ultra lounge.  Big wrap around couches, low table at the perfect height for lunging, and it was all red and velvet.  I think Colin said it best when he said it looked like something they would seat the Jersey Shore Cast at an appearance.  It was fun.

Big thanks to Colin for scoring the tickets, and providing a great evening.  You can check out his take on things on his blog post.

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Labels: 3-d, movies, review

Home Alone

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

So Kendle left for a few days.  She had to travel for business, so I'm king of the castle for the next few days.  So let's go over my big big plans.

Much like Kevin, I've already watched a scary movie, played some video games, and shaved.

Tonight, I'm eating pizza, but I think that's where the similarities end.  Unless someone tries to rob me.  Then I guess I'll have to go full commando on their asses and set some booby traps.

What are my other plans for the rest of the time?  I'm cleaning the kitchen and bathroom because when Kendle get's home she will have guests in tow, and that's what was assigned to me to do.

So let's talk about the scary movie I watched.

"Ben, why would you watch that trash?" and "What's wrong with you!" are the questions that should be going through your mind.

Guys...I like shock horror.  What can I say.  Saw is the greatest series of films ever put to celluloid.  So the natural progression is to move on from the insane to the downright disgusting.  I've seen Human Centipede: First Segment.  I watched it with Dan, and after it was over, we looked at each other awkwardly and immediately said our goodbyes.  I don't think we talked or looked each other in the eye for a week after that.  Eventually the memories faded and we could be in the same room with out this unnatural feeling of shame permeating our very souls.

You should not watch that movie or this one.  But  the reasons are very different.  The first one will make you sick, and it's hard to watch the surgery scene.  The second one is just a waste of your time.

I mean, where can you go after you tie three peoples digestive tracts together, right?  There's not much else to be said and done.  Unless you do the same thing with say, 12 people.  Yep.  That's the whole premeis of the movie.  The thing that was scary and made it kinda ok to watch the first one was that everything was explained and the escape scene at the end was high tension.  With everything already explained in the first one, there was no need to go into all the details and really pace the movie out.  They just spent way to long "collecting segments" and had unnecessarily long scenes that were drawn out by just holding the camera on people who weren't doing anything.

The main character had zero lines.  I think there were maybe 100 spoken words in the whole movie.  I'm sure Tom Six thought that was artsy, but he should have realized what he was making and put some dialoge in there.

Yeah...the guys name is really Tom Six.

In all, I ended up fast forwarding through the last half hour.  Not due to it's scary nature, or that it was too hard to watch due to what was happening on screen.  No I fast forwarded because NOTHING was happening on screen.

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Labels: hunka, movies, review

League of Legends vs Starcraft 2

Monday, April 23, 2012

Guys, I play alot of Starcraft 2. I mean not obsessive amounts, but I'd say at least two times a week I sit down and play a few matches. I WATCH alot of Starcraft 2. That may be borderline obsessive. I think I watch between 30 minutes to an hour of Professional Starcraft a day. Let's just say I'm OK at the game. I'm by no means good, but my game sense is pretty ok, I know what units counter what units and how to effectively climb the "tech tree" to get to higher tier units.

I was watching a match the other day, and nothing was really going on and the commentator was struggling to come up with things to say, so he started talking about picking your race. He said "just do some 4v4, and choose 'random' as your race. That way you will get exposed to each race and you can decide what to play."

Well that just seems super smart! I only play Terran and that's like playing 1/3 of a game and never exploring the rest of it. This seems like a great idea! Plus Starcraft's community is super nice. They always help out people and encourage them to do better!

So I jump into a 4v4, and start to fumble my way through the game. I knew I would be terrible, but this was me trying to get better. So one guy on my team starts to tell me I'm terrible. He keeps typing really nasty things to me, but I try to keep a good attitude and ignore him. He's saying things like I'm too slow, and don't know how to play. So finally I have to say something. I tell him "it's just a game" and to "calm down"

Well THAT was the wrong thing to say. So he starts going on and on about how if it's just a game to go play single player and not "dick over your teammates"

Color me confused. I thought 4v4 WAS for dicking around and 1v1 was for hardcore playing.

So I finished the match (my team lost), and turned off Starcraft. Figuring I had nothing to loose, I decided to load up one of the most notoriously bad mannered games out there. League of Legends.

This is a game where people constantly yell at you if you are doing something wrong. I had never really played more than two matches at this point and that game comes with very few instructions. You learn by playing, and people bitch at you when you don't do well.

So I went into my third ever match (and that includes the tutorial match), and started figuring things out. Lo and behold, my teammates were actually nice! I never told them it was my third match, I never said I had no idea what I was doing, but I guess it was pretty clear from my gameplay. Rather then yell at me, tell me to "Bot up" or "GTFO newb" they helped me learn the game. I've played every day for a week now, and have yet to run across people bitching at me, or telling me to get out.

So the point? I guess I was just shocked. I mean the expectations and the reality were completely off. And before we get a bunch of SC2 people in here getting all high and mighty talking about how you can't just take one bad experience and let it color the entire community let me say this:

I've played MANY games of Starcraft. I've only had one BAD experience, but all others have been pretty bland. I would not call them helpful or encouraging. Perhaps in the higher leagues it's nicer? But all I can say is the LoL community has been much nicer, much more encouraging, and all around more inviting than my experience with the Starcraft Community.

That's just one man's opinion. Take it with a grain of salt.

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Labels: video games

I made a website

Friday, April 20, 2012

I made a website.  From the ground up.  Working with a designer we came up with all these awesome ideas and ways to make things work on touch devices as well as regular desktops.

And then I sat down and coded it all.  It was a good feeling, plus, we did it for free, and it was for a good cause (helping a guy who helps kids with autism).

So if you wanna see some gee wiz effects like an image fader, dropdown menus that work on a touch device and with a mouse, and some crazy ass CSS, head on over here:

http://www.ecautism.com
Oh and I almost forgot, you have to click on sign up button for the email (top right).  You don't actually have to fill out the form (unless you want to) but check out my snazzy zoom effect!

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Labels: happy camper, website

U-G-L-I you ain't got no alibi

Thursday, April 19, 2012

There is a bar that on Fridays offers you a wristband for $15.  With this wristband from the hours of 6-10pm you get:

1. Free draft beer
2. $1 mixed drinks
3. All you can eat buffett with chicken wings, pizza, and pasta

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Labels: Blame it on the al-al-al-al-kah-alcohol, Pullin a hunka

Naturally Flavored

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

So I'm eating these delicious cookies last night, and I read the bag they come in and it says "Naturally flavored with other natural flavors"

Well WTF does that mean? Luckily I live with a food scientist so I can just get the answer to these kinda questions by shouting out questions...loudly...till they are answered (who WOULDN'T want to live with me?). So here's the explanation:

Flavors, at their most basic components are just tons of chemicals. So what a food scientist will do is FAKE the flavor with chemicals that while are naturally occurring chemicals, are NOT the chemicals that are found in the makeup of that food.

"Well that just sounds like a loop hole" I said. "They should have labeled it UNnaturally flavored with other natural flavors."

"Thats correct, anything labeled "natural" that didn't come right out of the ground is a loop hole" she responded.

I mean...I'd blame the food scientists but it's not their fault.  It's some marketing asshole somewhere deciding that everything has to say natural on it or it won't sell.  But it's not even his fault either.  They are just reacting to the changing needs of all the idiot consumers.

Wow...that was NOT supposed to be a rant on consumerism, that was supposed to be a funny story about life with Ben.  Yeesh.  Sorry.

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Labels: health, Information, Kendle, life lessons, rant

Skokie House

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

So that's the house there on the left.  I can't stress this enough but we have not bought the thing....we are in the process of CLOSING.  Basically we are up to the point where everything's been decided (price, interest rate, etc.) but nothings been signed.  We are trying to move the close date up to May 3rd, so we don't even have a solid close date yet.

Anyways, the interesting thing about buying a house, or at least buying THIS house (maybe your experience was different) is that EVERYONE is really apprehensive to just come out and say "you are buying a house." There are so many pitfalls, hurdles and things that could go wrong throughout the whole process right up until the close date that NO ONE wants to say "this is your house."

So...we looked at a ton of houses, and I didn't feel like we were buying a house.

We picked one out, and I didn't feel like we were buying a house

We got approved for a loan, and I still didn't feel like we were buying a house.

We got a lawyer to check things over...still not buying a house.

I don't know if this is some sort of conspiracy by the housing industry or what.  Like they want this big reveal at the end "You are a home owner...here are the keys!" which I've seen happen on many, many home buying shows.

They need to stop making it such a production, and really get you on board.  If you want to see me be engaged in the house buying process or give a care what color the walls are or if the layout of the house is like, then make me feel like this is MY house...not some potential thing that maybe someday I could be staying in for 30 years or more.

Alright...enough babble...pictures below.  There's nothing new here if you already have seen pictures from Kendle, but if you are on MY side of the table, you haven't seen these.  Now you can:

Skokie House Pictures

Here's what you can't see in the pictures above.  The house is the little white one with the red car in the drive in the lower left of the picture.  See how there is a street behind it (South)...but no street in front of it (North)?  This house is on a private walkway.  There is a parkway between the houses yard and the neighbor across the way's yard and that's it.  No cars, no strangers walking their dogs, no hoodlums roaming around.  It's pretty sweet.

So who mows that parkway is your next question, right?  My 50 dollars  a year mows it, that's who.

Anyways, when we get settled in (IF we get the house...cause you know a butterfly could flap it's wings in Evenston causing a train to run late, making a key member of our team not make it to closing...or something), you all should feel free to invite yourselves over.  Free room and board at the Hunka house, and a quick train ride to downtown, so you don't have to mess with parking.

Just sayin...

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Labels: big plans, Chicago, ghetto kids

Let's talk about the elephant in the room...

Monday, April 16, 2012

So a lot of times I'll post things about how everyone was asking me about a particular topic, and that's just me blowing things out of proportion, which I like to do.  In fact only one person asked me about it, and they didn't REALLY care enough to hear me ramble on about it…but it made for a good blog post, so I did it.

That is not the case here.  I really have have had everyone asking me about this, so I think it's time to address it.

The question is why have there been no updates in awhile.  There are many answers to this question, so let's address them one by one.

1) I have a new job.  And when you have a new job, a lot of your time is spent learning that job.  It's everything…new procedures, new people, different ways of getting approval, etc.  Most of my day is spent learning this stuff.  It's not really blog worthy stuff.  Also I have a strict policy about blogging about current work people and happenings.  It's a big no-no. 

Additionally, this job also frowns upon doing anything personal on company computers.  I used to blog during the day at my old job.  Just whenever something clever came to me, but now I have to hold it all in till I get home, and let me tell you, after waiting for and riding the bus and an EL train to get home, the last thing I want to do is run to my computer and write a silly story.

2) I'm buying a house.  There I said it.  See the most interesting thing going on in my life is that I'm buying a house.  That takes up ALOT of my time as we get all the paperwork together, shuffle schedules, prepare for the move, etc. 

It's not like it was a big secret, but I just didn't want to say anything till we were approved and signed off on and closed and all that good stuff.  After hearing Nate's horror story about his closing, I was apprehensive to say anything until I had keys in my hand, but at this point, lots of people know, so yeah…we are buying a house.  It's in a near north suburb.  I'll have like a 45 minute commute every morning, to which I told Kendle, I get to buy a hand held video game system now.

She agreed.

3) Life's just really boring right now guys.  We don't go out that much (although last weekend is NO indication of that) because we are trying to save money for the house.  I even stopped eating out, so I don't leave the office, which severely cuts down on my run ins with interesting people.

4) My mind is busy.  I'm never really "done" with anything on my list of to-do's, because of the small nature of the company, everything can be improved upon, everything can be tweaked, everything can be refined.  It's never ending.  Because of that, I don't really have time to ponder what was funny or interesting about my walk to work this particular day.

So there you have it, my first update in awhile, hope it was worth it.  I'll have some pictures of the house up later, and I'll try to be better about finding the funny side of things and posting about them in the future.  I mean, I do have this huge window that looks out over Clybourn Ave.  And bum fights are a pretty regular thing…so there's gotta be a blog post or 2 there, right?

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Labels: update